after almost two weeks

Fuih.. it is almost 2 weeks after i broke up, but nothing changes..I still feel my life goes grey.. Not black neither white.. it's in the middle..in bahasa, ppls often said "mati segan, hidup tak mau" and it is in me now.. I feel lost my spirit, even sometimes a few of my besties come to support me, they encourage me, and in another hour i got my self drowning in my tears..oh, i really hate to be weak. this is trully not really me.. I on my past is achie = the cheerup girl. And now, i felt like i lost my power, i don't know why.. Is it because LIFE goes me on the real life? make me more mature? make me change into real 'woman' with serious thought, without cheering up anymore? it's sounds scared you know.

Or maybe my love life is really suck? God still didn't want me find my soulmate so i could be focus in my relationship with HIM? is that true, GOD? Many question i couldn't answered or i didn't find the answered.

Anyway, i made this post is just for make my badmood thrown away from these day..

I still love my P, still missing him everyday, everytime, everyhour, everyminute even everysecond. I can't tell to anybody especially my besties, because they will call me 'stupid girl' yeah, now i'll call my self by this nickname. i do feel sooo stupid, until now, wishing him come back to me *that's the most impossible thing ever* but, i still wish any miracle. oh, i believe even GOD can do it, HE choose to do it nothing.

Okay, i still have normal brain. my brain always told me to forget him, to letting him go or maybe to let my self stepped forward.. But what about my heart??? i'll call my heart as my h. 

my h always stands on the opposite of my brain. my h always breaks my efforts to forget him..

I believe ppl will agree with me, that  heart and brain will never cooperate as well even they're both in the same body. Yeah, that's what i feel. i dooo, i wanna moving forward, i don't wanna cry anymore for PJ ( the one who never love me ) but my heart screaming out that i still love PJ, still need PJ ( even he's soo farr awayy from me ). So i feel like i have an eyes but i cannot see. i run from the fact. i played with my fated.
This is really bad situation, and i really hate this *i've told it twice in this post*
And the worst is, i cannot fixed my relationship with GOD. Actually most ppls will come to GOD when she/he broke up. But what about me? i run away from HIM. oh GOD, please help me..
I'd try manyyy times to come back to you, but i feel i'm not too good to meet YOU. I really wanna fix all the messed up things in my messed up life.
I hope i could mooving forward, soonest. whatsoever the way. I HAVE TO!
Goodbye my lover P.. i hope we could meet someday, in our another life. and, i still and will always miss you..

@chieliciouz